Confession No. 61 — Men are from Mars … And so are most women
At least 24,000 English language books have been written on the differences between men and women.
Don’t waste your money.
I’m not an expert on women, but I can guarantee you that I’m no more of a waffle than my wife is a plate of spaghetti — and that most of us were born on the same planet. And no one needs to read a book to know that men prefer making out to the sounds of Muddy Waters, while our female counterparts more prefer Journey or Joe Cocker.
No. There’s no mistaking the lack of a middle ground in these areas, which is why I choose to focus on a few of our similarities — most of which are mistaken for differences. Read on. And save that counseling money for something more fun — like beer, or an iPhone 5.
Who do you dress for?
When I put on my chinos and knit shirt every morning, I’m mainly thinking of the company dress code. But every other time? I’m thinking of not embarrassing my wife.
She, on the other hand, knows that I can’t match earrings with pants suits. And that I see hair in the same way that I see nails — clean or unclean. Though she will occasionally ask me questions about her appearance, my ‘yes’ or ‘outstanding’ responses fall upon deaf ears.
Truth be told, she’s not dressing for me. No woman is, unless she the one who shows up at the company Christmas party wearing thigh highs, a tight leather mini-skirt and a push-up bra.
Women dress for women. Period. And guys? We do too, most of the time.
Who do you want to hang out with?
It all evens out when it comes to fraternization. Everyone — women and men — wants to hang out with the guys. I haven’t quite figured out the why on this one, but I think it has to do with being free to do and say whatever.
Want to take a shot of whiskey and use some obscenities? We’re fine with that. You had cabbage and beans for dinner? So did we! Let’s have a contest! Want to spit? We’re down with that too. And we’ll only judge you on distance.
It’s safe to say that neither women nor men like being cut off in traffic, or getting stuck behind Grandpa Grunt — who insists on slowly driving his mint condition 1967 Chevy Impala in the passing lane. The only real difference here is in how we react.
Women tend to lay on the horn and yell obscenities without any investigation. Men? Well, most of us have had or nearly had our asses kicked for doing the same thing. We were teens at the time and considered ourselves to be bulletproof — until we learned that some old men still remember enough from their Green Beret training to kill us with one hand.
We’re both liars. (But women lie more.)
Remember when you told your man that he was sexier than Ryan Gosling? He probably deserved it for telling you that — even without makeup — you are sexier than Megan Fox. (When I said that to my wife, by the way, I wasn’t whistling Dixie.)
Want proof that women lie more? Ask her how she feels about potty humor. (She’ll claim that it’s nasty and childish.) Once she tells you how disgusting it is, just say the words ‘poo poo’ or ‘poopy pants’ with a straight face. She’ll laugh every time. A couple of caveats for the guys: Don’t try to entrap your boss, new girlfriend or mother in-law with this lie detection method.
By the way ladies, we know you can read maps much better than we can listen.
Instead of counseling
Sex is always good. But gadgets are probably the best therapy for troubled relationships. Gadgets, unlike sex, don’t require any whispered sweet nothings or extraneous personal hygiene. Still, they bring us together.
Indeed, we have our differences when it comes to procurement of certain thingamajigs. But, once men tear through the packaging, ignoring the instructions along the way, we need women. Ladies are masters when it comes to programming TiVo, using laminating machines and getting productive use from Siri.
Oh … And they look hot as hell doing it.
If you like what you’ve read here, please tell 50 of your closest friends. Then come join me and a few hundred of my friends on Facebook. Be sure to click the ‘like button.
As time goes by, I’m finding that my baby girl is a lot like me. She has a dry unorthodox sense of humor and will argue until the cows come home. She also prefers spicy to bland and loves a good bowl of potato soup. The following recipe is a starter of sorts. You can dress it, or leave it alone. I prefer to leave it alone. The ‘photo’ bowl, as my family calls whatever is being photographed for future publication, went to Alexandra. It was her 14th birthday and this was her menu choice.
Baked Potato Soup
5 lbs – Yellow potatoes, peeled (if desired) and cut into 2-inch cubes
3 TB – Kosher salt
1/4 cup – Onion, chopped finely
1 stick – Butter
2 TB – Freshly ground black pepper
10 cups (2½ qts) – Whole milk
1 cup (half pint) – Heavy whipping cream
1 cup – Instant mashed potato flakes
Sharp Cheddar cheese, grated – about 1/8 cup per bowl
Sour cream – medium-sized dollop per bowl
Bacon, fried crisp and chopped – about 1 TB per bowl
Chives or green onions, chopped – about 1 tsp per bowl
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste
Cover cubed potatoes with water in a large Dutch oven or stockpot and bring to a boil. Add about 3 TB Kosher salt to the water. Boil until tender, about 10 minutes and drain. Set drained potatoes aside.
In same Dutch oven or stockpot, melt butter over medium heat. Add onion cook until translucent, about five minutes. Add the 2 TB of black pepper, cooked potatoes and whole milk.
Stirring regularly over medium heat, bring soup to almost near boiling. Add heavy cream. Continue to stir for about 5-10 minutes until soup is hot again. Add instant mashed potato flakes. Stir to combine and continue heating for another 5 minutes. Season with salt and pepper to taste.
Serve alone, or with listed toppings for a baked potato-style soup. Serves a family of five with enough leftovers for at least 2-3 more bowls.