Confession No. 62 — Well, if that’s not the pot calling the kettle black

For every blunder that my wife has committed, I’ve pulled off at least two. How do I know? Because she remembers my mishaps like they happened this morning.

Like the time I showed up at her family’s Easter dinner with a box of Long John Silver’s for myself. (I’m not overly fond of lamb. Besides, I hadn’t had those salty little crunchies in quite some time.) There was also the time I told our morning radio audience that my wife was pregnant with twins. I’m not sure why I said it — or even thought it. Still, I’m Guilty.

I was also in error for encouraging a Disney World vacation with a two-year-old. By the second day of that dreadful sabbatical,  my wife was dealing with a pair of boys who made everyone suffer our ‘terrible twos.’ My bad.

I’ll never forget the heated argument with my beloved better half, during which I went off about my sister in-law. It would have been long forgotten under most circumstances, except someone threw something and inadvertently hit the ‘record greeting’ button on the answering machine. Who later called and heard a one-minute portion of my profane-laden diatribe? You guessed it.

I’ve screwed the pooch on many occasions, but I’m most commonly guilty of serving meals that deserve a Scoville rating (She prefers mild), or forgetting the names of very important people in her family (and mine too).

But, enough about me.

These are my column inches and I have gained approval from She who is to be obeyed to explain some reasons behind my stresses.

There’s a reason for that color
We all know that red means to stop and green signifies go. While the jury is still out on yellow, I think most people can agree that it grabs your attention and gets you to thinking. When that yellow happens to be of the fluorescent hue and it covers an erect concrete pylon weighing at least 500 lbs., it’s meant to be seen.

Enter my wife and our (previously) beautiful silver Honda Odyssey.

After making her purchase at an office supply store, she re-entered the vehicle and began backing out of her parking space. What happened next is … still somewhat of a mystery.

All I know is, our beautiful new van now had a dent about half the length of the vehicle. About 3-inches wide, it started just behind the front passenger door and made path to beyond the rear passenger door, inhibiting (the door’s) operation. Apparently, the quarter ton bright yellow pylon was rendered invisible for that moment in time.

My wife maintains that the pylon was in a blind spot. The insurance adjuster didn’t agree.

Nuggets, fries and imminent danger
Never did I believe that I would be excited about a minivan. But the Honda Odyssey was different. It was comfortable, with bells and whistles not yet available on other brands, and it had a zippy engine with tight suspension. Yes, it was fun to drive. Plus, it was a Honda.

Perhaps the coolest thing about this state-of-the-art family vehicle was the door sensor. These are common nowadays, but at the time, Honda was the only company that offered something that acted like an elevator door, bouncing off of any object and reversing course.

One day, my wife decided to go to the store alone. And who could blame her? Certainly not our then-three-year-old daughter, who bolted for the vehicle and tried to slip past the closing passenger door — which didn’t reverse course.

I grabbed her kicking legs as she screamed and cried (not about the door, but about wanting to go with Mom), and I yanked her from harm’s way. The coolest function on the coolest minivan in history had nearly killed our youngest child.

Or so I thought.

“Mr. Holland, your Odyssey is ready,” the polite mechanic said. “You can come pick it up any time you want.”

I responded, almost excited that our incident was going to incite a firestorm of international media coverage, recalls and so on.

“Are y’all going to do a recall? Or at least a technical service bulletin? That door has a major flaw.”

“Aww, no sir,” he said, laughing under his breath. “There were some chicken nuggets and French fries lodged in the door and they messed up the sensor.”

The pork roast incident
Imagine doing your business, only to have to do some mopping … and more mopping because the water elevated and spilled all over your bathroom tile.

It happens on occasion, but the stopped-up potty at our Manahawkin, NJ home in the mid 1990s was a blockage for the ages.

“Catherine, where is the plunger,” I asked my wife, exiting the facilities.

“Under the sink,” she responded. “But before you…”

“OK,” I responded. “There’s a flood…”

As I grabbed the tool and started making my way back to the restroom, she said something that I’ll never forget.

“I’m not sure the plunger will work. I flushed a pork roast.”

“Seriously?” I responded.

“Yes,” she said with a guilty half-smile. “I was cleaning out the refrigerator and it’s several days before trash pickup …”

“You mean the left-overs of that fresh ham we baked last week? Did you cut it up before you flushed it?”

“Umm, no,” she responded.

Catherine, as usual, was correct. The plunger didn’t work. Neither did the snake. The gallon of sulfuric acid was also of no use.

I never knew that roasting a pork would also lead me to uninstalling and reinstalling a toilet for the very first time. I won’t share all the details of what was required to make that toilet flush-able once again. But I will say this …

If I could go back in time, I’d have skipped that pork in lieu of Long John Silver’s.

I hope you like what you read here. Fortunately and sometimes not so fortunately, it’s all true. Please consider joining me on Facebook (just click the ‘like’ button). While you’re at it, would you mind sending 50 of your closest friends my way? Thank you so much.

---

I have a go-to dish at every restaurant. It’s the dish that just about anyone should get right. (If they don’t, I never return.) At a steakhouse, it’s the ribeye. A seafood joint ought to know how to fry a piece of fish. Tex-Mex — Tamales. And Chinese takeout … General Tso’s Chicken. Not all General Tso’s Chicken recipes are created equally, but I’ve spent a few years working on this one. Don’t be afraid of cornstarch in the marinade. I learned this little trick from Martin Yan years ago during a cooking class at Macy’s.

General Tso’s Chicken

Batter
1 – egg white
1 ½ tsp – toasted sesame oil
1 TB – Soy sauce
4 TB – Cornstarch

1 lb – Dark chicken meat, cut into 1 – 1 ½-inch chunks.

Sauce
1 cup – Chicken stock
¼ cup – Soy sauce
¼ cup Cornstarch
3 – Garlic cloves, minced
1 TB – Fresh ginger, minced
1 TB – Brown sugar (packed)
1 tsp – Chile garlic paste (more, if you prefer a spicier dish)
2 – Green onions, chopped or sliced thinly

Vegetable oil

Whisk all batter ingredients in a medium bowl. Add chicken and toss to coat well. Set aside for about 10 minutes (or in refrigerator for 20-30 minutes). This process is known as velveting and is commonly used in Chinese restaurants.

In another small bowl (or large measuring cup), mix chicken stock, ¼ cup each of soy sauce and cornstarch, brown sugar and chile garlic paste.

Begin preheating to high about a half-inch of vegetable oil in a deep frying pan. -or- Preheat your deep fryer to a high setting.

Meanwhile, heat about 1 TB of vegetable oil (medium high) in a skillet or saucepan and add ginger and garlic. Cook until fragrant, about 1-2 minutes. Give the broth/soy sauce mixture another quick whisk and add to the pan, stirring constantly. The sauce will begin to thicken immediately and should be completed within 2-3 minutes of cooking. When done, turn heat to low and add green onions.

In preheated frying oil, add chicken chunks. Don’t overcrowd pan. Cook about 3-4 minutes, turning as necessary, until golden brown. Drain on paper plates. Add to heated sauce and toss to coat.

Garnish with more sliced green onions. Serve with steamed white rice and broccoli. Or, for a change of pace, serve with Szechuan ‘Dry’ Fried Green Beans or a quick snow pea sauté. Don’t forget the eggrolls!

This recipe serves about 4 people.