Confession No. 78 — ’Birds and Bees?’ Ha! ‘Dogs’ is more like it!
Around here, I take care of having the talk with our children.
Especially the girls.
And it’s a far cry from the film-strip that the school nurse (separately) showed the boys and girls back in 5th grade. Very far. My version also differs greatly from the life message that my wife, a nurse herself, delivers. In addition to using salty language (for believability purposes only), I tell the whole truth: Guys are just one small step removed from the cave — particularly when it comes to females.
And most of us never grow out of it.
Now, before you naïve preacher’s wives and Pollyanna moms put your fairyland feet down at my assertion, you owe it to your children to hear me out. I’m not saying that (all) human males are evil. I’m just saying that we are what we are.
Some altered teen (male) meanings
If you have a daughter, please let her know that boys are lying fools. (Even her brother.) And some of them are pretty darn good at it. There are a few phrases that she’ll need to become familiar with before she steps foot into the local high school. Under no circumstance — absolutely none — should she take these phrases at face value.
- ‘Would you like to go out with me on Friday?’ — Really means ‘I want to have sexual relations with you.’
- ‘I love you.’ — Really means ‘I want to have sexual relations with you. Now.’
- ‘So your friend likes me? No worries. I’m yours.’ — Really means ‘I want to have sexual relations with both of you.’
- ‘I’d like to give you a promise ring to show my commitment to you.’ — Really means ‘You owe me sex.’ (This also applies to any other jewelry, senior jackets and sports jerseys.)
Your daughter might ask Dad how he knows this ‘secret’ guy language. As painful as it might be, just fess up.
No growing out of it
Unlike diapers, ‘terrible twos’ and a fondness for over-salted chicken nuggets, guys don’t grow out of being dogs. Oh, sure. There’ll come a time when we aren’t chewing up everyone’s shoes or digging up the lawn. But we’ll mark wheels, walls and living room furniture for as long as we are breathing.
Here’s the timeline of the average (heterosexual) male:
- Ages 0-Death — The average male is fascinated with his appendages. He scratches regularly, mostly to make sure everything’s still there.
- Ages 9-12 — He’s curious and tries to sneak a peek at all possible times — whether it’s the JC Penney catalogue or at church. Sex crosses his mind at least once per minute during his waking hours.
- Ages 13-17 — He’s still curious and tends to wish for more. It is at this age that (we) begin to lie to our friends about various encounters. From these falsehoods, the lies (they) tell females are born. Sex crosses the juvenile teen’s mind at least once every 30 seconds (asleep and awake).
- Ages 18-25 — The lies are out of control at this point. So much so, that he begins to believe them himself. His curiosity is still quite healthy. Despite that he might now know that most people have ten toes and ten fingers, his lifelong odyssey (of checking out bottoms and bosoms) continues. He’s still thinking about sex at least every 30 seconds.
- Ages 26-35 — He might be married at this point (hopefully not because he lied to a hot woman about being in love). He might also have children. His instincts have been satisfied. Still, he’s thinking about sex at least every 30 seconds.
- Ages 36-100 — He’s not as spry as he used to be, but he has wisdom. This is necessary, since his female counterparts have ultimately realized what they are dealing with. At this point in life, he requests gift subscriptions to Maxim, Men’s Health and Playboy. Also, there’ll be a point at which he falsely believes that he can recapture his 25-year-old spirit. He’ll consider either hair transplants or a sports car; or both.
I don’t care if your son is a straight-A student, an Eagle Scout or has the goal of becoming pope. If he is living and breathing — and prefers women — the above timeline and altered phrase meanings apply. Even if you don’t believe me, at least warn him that acting on his K-9 instinct can be quite hazardous to his health.
Now you know. (Sorry, guys.)
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As I was preparing Bacon Pretzel Dogs this past week, my 16-year-old son asked whether I’d joined the ‘Bacon Craze.’ I quickly let him know that I was a bacon-lover long before he was even a twinkle in his mom’s eye. He rolled his eyes and walked away — but he made sure to find his way back to the kitchen when the smell of pretzels an bacon started seeping through his bedroom air vent.
There are a number of recipes out there for these, and most are very similar. While you can adjust the filling to suit your taste, I wouldn’t go too crazy with it. Save the cheese, for example, for topping or dipping. If you’re making these for the big game, know that they taste best right from the oven. Making them the day before is fine though. Just be sure to incorporate some steam when rewarming (wrapped in wet paper towel in the microwave or the steam option on your oven).
Bacon Pretzel Dogs
Bacon Pretzel Dogs are like eating at the ballpark — without the annoying kid kicking the back of your seat.
1½ cups – warm water (about 110°F)
1 TB – Active dry yeast
2 TB – Sugar
1 TB – Kosher salt
4 TB – Butter, melted
4 ½ cups unbleached all-purpose flour
10 – Hot dogs
10 slices – Bacon (preferably center cut), cooked until crisp
4 qts – Water
4 TB – Baking soda
1 – Egg yolk, beaten
Desired toppings: Pretzel salt, poppy seeds, sesame seeds, granulated garlic and/or onion
Make the pretzel dough
Combine warm water and yeast in large mixing bowl. Allow to sit until yeast blossoms, about 10 minutes.
Add butter, sugar, salt and flour. Using a dough hook, mix the ingredients until a soft dough forms. (You might have to add warm water — a TB at a time.) Once you have the dough, form it into a large rounded disc and place in an oiled bowl. Cover with a towel and allows to rise in a warm dark place for an hour. (Dough should be at least doubled in size.)
Wrap the hot dogs
For each regular-sized hot dog, you’ll want to shape a small handful (about 3 oz) of dough into a rope — about twice the length of the hot dog.
Starting at one end of the hot dog, spiral the dough rope around it. After your first go-around, place a piece of bacon alongside the hot dog, using the dough to keep it in place. Continue spiraling the dough, leaving no space, until the hot dog is fully wrapped. Repeat with the remaining 9 hot dogs.
Place wrapped hot dogs on a parchment-lined baking sheet and allow to rise again — about 30 more minutes.
Boil, top and bake
Preheat oven to 425ºF.
Bring water to a rolling boil in a large pot. Add baking soda.
One at a time, place prepared hot dogs in boiling water for about 30 seconds. Remove carefully and place on parchment-lined baking sheet.
Brush dough thoroughly with egg yolk. Add desired toppings. Bake until browned, about 20 minutes. Serve with mustard, nacho cheese sauce (pictured) or whatever you eat on your hot dog. (This recipe also works with cocktail sausages, or halved hot dogs.)
Makes 10 Bacon Pretzel Dogs
Ah, this is all so true. And this is the reason that Dudette started Tae Kwon Do at age 3 and will be a black belt when she turns 7.
Men are dogs, but I love them. I love hot dogs too. Bacon paired with hot dogs; be still my heart.
You go! (Though I could have used a roundhouse kick to the jaw occasionally, I’m just glad I didn’t date any girls whose moms think like you.)
While you were way to polite in your assessment of men, in general they (we) are scum. Bottom feeders, that are programmed to pounce at any given moment. Time wise: about every 30 seconds. I instill this belief in my own daughters daily. “But Daddy he’s just a friend”…..don’t believe it for a second. That’s why the root of believe is beLIEve.
Amen, brother! Just a friend? Only if he’s gay. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that!)
Sooooo true. All of my best friends have always been male. And “it” has been an issue at least once with all of them…you know, where they tried to cross the line. Except for the gay ones. But these days, girls are worse than boys. I know, because I have boy children. But I don’t have to teach them about secret girl language, because the girls don’t hide anything. They just come out and say it.
Well, I’ve certainly not had the pleasure of meeting girls like that.
And, now you’ve prompted me to adjust my talk. I swear, if my daughter is out there acting like a guy (with her advances), I’ll smack her around.
I would love to have a cookbook full of your stories and recipes. It would make a great gift too!
Thank you for such kind words. Do you really think the world is ready for my stories?
Sure it is! I gave my brother a Soprano’s cookbook that included stories in it. He loves it.
I think your stories are much more entertaining!
I have that same (Soprano’s) cookbook. I bought it as a novelty, but was really surprised at the quality of the recipes. Well, if any publisher ever wants to invest in me, I’ll make sure you get a signed copy.
I’ll hold you to that!
Now that you mentioned it…I met my husband of 35 years when we were in high school, because he was looking up my dress while I was walking up the stairs with a friend…to see if had on stockings and a garter belt…I did!! The “dog!” Long time ago, thanks for reminding me why I married him, and love him still! Ha!
If I had a daughter, I’d make sure she was “street smart,” too! Well done!
Thank you. And, so long as he’s not looking up anyone else’s dress, all is good.
Exactly!!
Okay…I don’t care for hot dogs, but that looks REALLY GOOD!
Thanks, Conni!
Sigh, my daughter turns 12 next month. Fortunately she thinks boys are full of it. Kind of hope she hangs on to that thought.
Just have Dad follow the script.
He’d prefer to stop time.
I feel his pain.
And this is why I married a woman.
Although she’s never made me these. I’ll just make them for her.
Maybe she’s the one who needs to be concerned?
Other phrases that are dangerous:
1) Want to watch a movie in my dorm room? Read: I want to have sex with you. NOW! And I don’t want you to be able to resist without extreme difficulty/awkwardness.
2) I don’t want anyone but you, baby. Read: If you believe this lie, I can continue screwing around behind your naive back.
3) I don’t want to put a label on it. Isn’t this going good? It will just destroy what we have. Read: If we aren’t defined by normal relationship norms, I can later claim we weren’t “together” so there was no expectation of fidelity and that you are a clinger.
I think I am lucky that I have a decent hubby but I still think he is lying when he tells me he doesn’t want to have sex with anyone else. Given the change, all men would stray. Some just have morals enough to stop them from their caveman desires.
BTW the hot dogs look phenomenal!!!
I don’t know your husband, but it’s quite possible that he’s telling the truth. Admiring the shape of someone’s bum vs. wanting to get her into the sack are two different things.
Good point… I guess it is easier to stay with the good that you know than it is to risk getting a dud.
Truth, brother. My husband, when we started dating 12 years ago at the tender age of 20, told me all these things about men (which I had already gleaned from the many horny teenaged boys I dated in high school). This is why I’m terrified for my niece, who is now only 5 but will one day, soon, be a teenager and will have many dirty boys pawing at her. Sigh. For now I’ll try to keep those thoughts of my head and will instead focus on these pretzel dogs (I like the phallic-shaped food you picked for this post – how very appropriate!).
LOL.. I swear, the Bacon Pretzel Dogs were merely a Super Bowl party-themed thing.
That’s also incredibly appropriate!
Hi Adam,
.
These look really good. I am going to convince OH that he really really really wants to make these.
LOL. Thanks!
Hilarious…love the bit about he appendages and then the appendage looking dish to go with it! Lol.
Geez.. lol.. I promise — it’s a coincidence.
Yup, I’d say you covered all ages very well. Having just the 1 daughter who was the oldest in the neighborhood I’ve watched all the boys go through their life stages – often with my daughter as the focus of their attentions. I once let our former 120 lb Berner out the back door when I realized we had a couple of boys up on the back hill while Niki was in the shower. At least when they were young so they could run pretty fast. Then one summer day I was about to shoo away a little group that was hiding in the bushes across the street while she was sun bathing in the side yard …until I heard her say “Danny! I used to change your diapers – you didn’t have much then & I’m guessing it hasn’t changed at all”.
Now this bacon pretzel dog is a great creation & as far as I’m concerned, I’ve never met anything with bacon that I didn’t fall in love with. Big game? What big game? Is there some big game?
LOL, Diane. Your story reminds me of a (much) younger me peeking through a privacy fence knothole at a friend’s mom — who was sunbathing topless at her poolside. Being the klutz that I am, I was busted (more than once). She called my mom and claimed that something was wrong with me. I guess I never grew out of it.
OMG! I’m cracking up as I read this but I’m trying to think of the legal term for this. It’s not enticement although I’m sure that applies but it’s a term they use when say someone has a swimming pool that would attract a child but the person doesn’t bother putting up a fence. Ok, in this case, they had the fence but the knothole was obviously their fault. And this woman told your mother something was “wrong” with you? Probably would have been if you hadn’t tried to sneak a peek – but you got caught multiple times? Oh Mrs. Robinson! At least in the case of my daughter, there were a few boys together so the snickering kind of gave them away.
Dear Dog: These dogs look amazing.
Thanks! lol
Yep! You’ve made some enemies with this one. LOL!!! And now I’m hungry again! Picture looks delish!
Yeah, Adam. It’s that same thang, the whole world over. Love the pretzel dogs. It jumps off the page!
Oh man, I don’t care if hot dogs are real food or not, I have to make these! You had me at the intertwining of the bacon and the pretzel dough around the hot dog! Too much to resist. Thanks! My two “dogs” will love them too. Ironically, I didn’t truly understand the “men/boys are dogs” gig until we got our dog last year, and she is female. Go figure. But it’s true.
As I’ve never been to a ball game, I’ve decided trying these will be the next best thing =)
You must get to a game! Majors. Minors. It doesn’t matter. It’s better than being at the beach.
I have 3 sons…grown men…know you speak the truth…also the dogs are really appropriate for this post!! Always loving your twist on life…Ally xo
Thanks, Ally!
I refuse to believe that my sweet, innocent loving little boy is going to grow up to be such a dog! Although…I see he is showing the signs already…Primarily with the interest in his junk. I’ve always wanted to ask, are y’all afraid it’s going to fall off or something? Is that why you have to check to make sure it’s still there? My husband just rolls his eyes & walks away whenever I ask him stuff like that. But that being said, my sweet little guy loves pretzels, hot dogs and mustard, so maybe I need to make these over the weekend. Not that we’ll be watching the Super Bowl–My husband’s anti-sports & if it’s not baseball, I don’t care!
A woman after my own heart! Baseball is life.
Oh my, this looks waay too delicious
Thank you!
My husband has said from day 1: Guys can’t be friends with women. They may try – but in the end they just want sex. Guys always have motive. This post confirmed it. Can’t wait to show him.
I love your writing so much!
Thank you, Megan. While (we) husbands are very rarely correct when it comes to philosophical differences with our wives, this one’s true. By the way, what are you wearing right now?
HA! That was great! Hey – I will be posting about weird people shortly. Hope you enjoy!
The world is full of us weird people, so be gentle please.