Food Snob Chronicles – Aphrodisiac foods? Yes please!

Said no woman ever: A hot dog topped with chili and cheese really gets me in the mood. But an old friend once told me that a dollar’s worth of pasta could do it.

‘If you cook pasta for a woman in your apartment, you’re three-quarters of the way there,’ he told me. ‘She’s thinking it’s great that you cook, yet you’ve spent very little money. And you already have her in your apartment.’

Good advice … if you’re part of that scene. Admittedly, I never was. But that’s not to say I’ve not done a little research on some edibles to get (us both) in a loving mood.

Oysters

The story: Giacomo Casanova ate 50 raw oysters every morning and he was the stud of the 18th century.
The facts: Scientists have concluded that oysters contain plenty of zinc and certain amino acids that increase (the male) sex-drive.
Bottom line: Zinc is widely considered to be among the most important minerals to help with sex drive. The amino acids, meanwhile, can help increase dopamine levels in the brain. Still, a nice love letter doesn’t hurt — especially if she doesn’t like eating mollusks.

Avocados

The story: The translation of the Aztec name for this fruit is ‘green testicle.’ But it’s also known as the ‘love fruit.’
The facts: I don’t know of too many people who can become aroused by eating ‘green testicle’ fruit.
Bottom line: Some people refer to the avocado as the ‘chocolate of of the fruits’ because of its supposed aphrodisiacal qualities. Sure, there is plenty of vitamin A and E. But if this is your go-to plan, make sure you have something to back it up — such as plenty of real chocolate, and perhaps a bottle of wine. Also, there’s still some time to download Barry White’s Greatest Hits if you think you might need some love insurance this year.

Chocolate

The story: Montezuma consumed chocolate in great amounts to aid him in his sexual desires.
The facts: Emperor Montezuma is better known for what happens to tourists who drink the water in Mexico.
Bottom line: Sure, chocolate contains tryptophan and phenylethylamine — both contributors to increased sexual desire. But so do beans, eggs and fish. If you’re trying to use chocolate to get you there, just know that you’ll send your loved one into a diabetic coma if you provide enough to cause the … desired outcome. Instead, consider combining chocolate with a few whispers, kisses and promises. And Barry White tunes.

Honey

The story: Honey sure as heck worked for Bo Derek in ‘Bolero.’ Though she didn’t exactly eat it.
The facts: Honey supposedly increases testosterone production in men (just what we need) and helps with the whole estrogen thing in women.
Bottom line: Buy lots of honey and eat it daily. If you manage to make it a few months without being diagnosed with type II diabetes, feel free to use it as a prop in the bedroom. Just know, however, that it doesn’t taste the same mixed with sweat and such.

Ginseng

The story: Ginseng will get you going. And going.
The facts: Translated, ginseng means ‘man root.’
Bottom line: How many women are turned on by anything that translates to ‘man root?’

Wine is fine but liquor is quicker

The story: Ozzy Osbourne used similar lyrics in one of his songs.
The facts: I’ve never met an Ozzy Osbourne fan that I’d want to … love.
Bottom line: Women who drink red wine on a regular basis have a slightly higher libido than those who don’t. Slightly being the operative word. Liquor definitely contributes to the loss of inhibition. But do you really want that notch in your belt? I certainly don’t.

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For my 2-3 male readers, I’ve learned (the hard way) that the best recipe in the world is only impressive to your lover if it truly comes from your heart. I suppose that includes taking her out to eat too — a well-intentioned dinner at McDonald’s beats an ulterior motive dinner at Ruth’s Chris any day of the week. (Unless your date happens to live in a material world.) The following recipe is fun. It’s an absolute man dish. Perfect for the game. Also excellent as a different type of surprise. If you are one of my 5-6 female readers, your guy might really appreciate this. (Hopefully, both of you will.)  Admittedly, he hopes that you’re making it for … those ulterior motives that I mentioned.

Fried Oyster Sliders w/ Real Rémoulade

Fried Oyster Sliders w/ Real Rémoulade. No action guaranteed, but they sure are tasty.

Fried Oyster Sliders w/ Real Rémoulade. No action guaranteed, but they sure are tasty.

1 pint – Raw oysters
1 cup – Buttermilk
1 cup – All-purpose flour
2 – Eggs, beaten
About 2 cups – Cornmeal
Louisiana Hot Sauce

Vegetable oil, for frying

1 recipe – Real Rémoulade Sauce
6 – Slider buns
Cabbage (cut for slaw)
Deli-style pepper slices, mild or hot
Louisiana Hot Sauce and/or Tabasco

Make the oysters
In a medium skillet, heat about an inch of oil to 350F.
Meanwhile, drain the oysters; douse with a few drops of hot sauce and dredge in flour. Set aside. Whisk together buttermilk and eggs. When the oil has heated, dredge oysters — one at a time — in buttermilk/egg mixture, then cornmeal. Place gently in oil. Repeat without crowding pan. Turn oysters so that they are golden brown on all sides. Total cooking takes about 3-4 minutes per batch. Place cooked oysters on a paper towel-lined plate to drain excess oil. Repeat with a second batch, if necessary.

Assemble the sliders
Toast the rolls if desired. On each bottom roll, place a pinch of cabbage followed by an oyster (or two if they are small), a spoonful of Real Rémoulade Sauce, peppers, another pinch of cabbage and a dousing of hot sauce. Add the roll top and enjoy.

This recipe makes 5-6 sliders.

Comments

  1. I died laughing at this one, Adam. Good stuff. As one of your 2-3 male readers (who are you kidding? You know you have more…pProbably closer to 10-12. No I’m probably closer to 2-3 ;) ), I would dive into a plate of those sliders. I don’t think I have ever heard of/seen fried oyster sliders, but your recipe makes perfect sense. Printed out to try in the very near future.

  2. Great post Adam. Had to laugh at the honey thing not mixing with sweat and “such”. And I heart these sliders. Pinning to my sliders board.

  3. Great article. To bad my bride will never go for the sliders. When do you want hit Gladewater again?

    • adamjholland says:

      Thanks, Bill. By Gladewater, you mean Guadalupe’s – my favorite Tex-Mex. I’m down with that 8 out of the 7 days each week! :-)

  4. FIFTY raw oysters…and in the morning? As for Montezuma, I really wish you hadn’t associated him with chocolate. I’m afraid that’s going to be stuck in my brain for a very long time.
    What a marvelous idea those sliders are and thank you for the remoulade sauce link.
    Do you happy to like Barry White? Perhaps “Can’t get enough of you love”? Does that man have “the voice” or what?!

    • adamjholland says:

      I’ll publicly admit, Diane, that I do like Barry White. As for Montezuma … Well, I’m a guy. If ever there is an opportunity to insert potty facts/humor in an essay, I’ll seriously consider it. ;-) Even in a Valentine’s-themed blog.

  5. It is good work that you do. Great work in fact. Please pass the avocados.

  6. Ohhh, I love oysters! Oyster sliders? BAM! Man dish… hmmmph. ;)

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